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People’s first impression of me is happy and funny. But once they get to know me, I’m told I use sarcasm and laughter to cover the pain, a defense mechanism to tear myself down before anyone else has a chance to. Okay, I’ll agree to that. But what I don’t agree with is being told that I have a sad and horrible life.

It’s true that I’ve gone through things others never will, but I’m considered lucky. I have a great life. I’m still alive and am surrounded by love ones. Those incidents made me stronger albeit afraid of many things that normal people aren’t, but define normal. No one is normal.

There are certain times when I’ll see, smell, or hear something that triggers the past, and no matter how much I wish it away, it’ll come back at the most inconvenient of times. As a feeler of feelings, everything hurts more, especially as a perfectionist, I am unable to fix it. I try my hardest not to let it get to me, but sometimes, it does.

Sammy made me realize that though I say I’ve moved on from it all, deep down inside, I’m still waiting for an apology from those that’s torn me apart. He constantly tells me to care less and not feel so much. He’s urged me to find someone to talk to in detail of the incidents and though I know he didn’t mean himself, somehow, it did. But I got so comfortable in telling him my issues that I would feel hurt when he couldn’t understand why I was a certain way.

Since then, I’ve backed off in telling him things unsure if he finds it annoying or the crap that gets to me is stupid. Doing so made things harder because my outlet was gone and at the same time the multiple hard balls were being thrown continuously and the triggers were simultaneously occurring- things I couldn’t fix and triggers that wouldn’t go away no matter how much I thought it did.

It took taking him out of my life for a while to finally understand what he was trying to get me to see and since then the usual triggers aren’t triggers anymore or I guess weren’t as strong triggers as they use to be.

I’m happier and am starting to finally let go, accepting I’ll never get my apologies. Sometimes, I’ll fall off track and get into my moods, but knowing where it stems from makes it easier to move forward each time.

So I guess, this is a thank you to you, Sammy, if you ever end up reading this post. It’s all thanks to you for helping me see what I always knew deep inside. And because of you, I feel the weight I’ve carried for years is much lighter.

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Many people call me a people-pleaser. I use to see that as a compliment because it meant I made people happy but as I grow older, I realize it’s the opposite.

I’m taken granted most of the time and even when I feel I can’t give anymore, I push myself to because I’ll feel guilty saying “no” – and they know I can’t say “no”. I’ll stand by someone who constantly hurts me because if I see that they’re happy, what’s a little pain?

I’ve always given my all never expecting anything in return, materialistic or treating others the way I’d want to be treated. But I realized I’m subconsciously wanting to take by hoping they like me back as a person. I’m trying to compensate for having the feeling of not being good enough for anyone.

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But I am good enough. Not to sound cocky, but I believe I’m a pretty great friend and if I was in a relationship with someone, I know I’m a damn good girlfriend.

I look around and see people who only care about their own feelings and don’t give a crap about anything else. I’m filled with envy that they’re able to do so and are still surrounded by people along with a significant other. They don’t feel guilty about it so why should I?

I understand not everyone will like me just as I won’t like everyone I meet and have to put boundaries on people who constantly hurt me or take me for granted. I understand I don’t always have to explain myself if the answer is “no” and I sure can’t back down due to feeling guilty. I understand I have to put myself first for a happier me but taking the first step is always the hardest.