This year has been a constant battle with myself and my thoughts because of a lot of situations piling up that were important to me but not so much to others. It was turning me into a blob of depression and anxiety. I cried on a lot of things I couldn’t fix and probably can never fix, like seeing others in pain and not being able to mend their heart and soul. This is the first time in my life where I actually let my walls down enough to be vulnerable and I wasn’t prepared for what hit me. At the moment, I’m still stuck in between things going really well and really horrible … so I guess you could say things are going okay at the moment.

I just want to say thank you for not walking away because I wasn’t who you grew to love. Thank you for not making me explain what was going on and for that to be enough. Thank you for understanding without knowing yet still sending encouragements and checking on me throughout the days. Thank you for physically sitting with me or staying on the phone with me in silence when I couldn’t properly function because I was so lost. Thank you for not giving up on me regardless of how much higher I built my wall up to push everyone away. Thank you for slowly bringing me back. Words cannot describe just how thankful I am. I didn’t feel so alone while I was going through it all and the reason why I’m still breathing above water. I love you guys more than you’ll ever know.

P.S. Lately I’ve been having a little more downtime since I only have one more wedding to attend!! So I’ve been catching up with my YouTube subscriptions. I forgot how much I missed dance. The way someone could move their body a certain way. The way it could tell a story. I probably spent six hours watching videos after videos the other day. Sometimes I still wished I was a professional dancer. Sigh … missed opportunities.

Finally. Someone else who sees this song other than just losing someone from a breakup. For him, his best friend that passed away. For me, walking away from a friendship that meant a great deal to me because of his girlfriend not liking our friendship. This is what music is to me. Everyone finding different meanings to the same songs. To communicate through music when all else fails. When the meaning of a song can change as you go through certain things and see it in a new light.

After getting home this morning from hoodrat shiet, I was too wired to sleep. Instead, I got my dance piece down for a Ron Pope song that no one will ever see, worked out, and worked on my projects until 7 am. An hour and a half of sleep later, Rizzo pounced on me like clockwork and I haven’t been able to fall back to sleep since. I haven’t found a solution to what’s been bothering me but I feel a little better after the excessive sweating.

I miss having someone to share everything with without fear of judgement but I’m sure he’s fully gone now. He broke me when he tore down my “emotions” wall and left. I know I can’t change what’s coming mid-September but I need to figure out an escape route and hope, come mid-October, it’ll go away. Once this passes, there will be less emotional posts. I know every thing will be fine so for now, off to run errands and work on my projects. Have a wonderful Labour Day Weekend!

When you drive aimlessly for two hours in traffic after work.
When you wish they would understand without the details.

When you still trust and believe in what was said.
When you always have someone come and try to change that.

When you want to walk or run away from certain situations.
When you want everyone to get along with one another.

When you just want to sit with someone who understands the silence.
When you need a genuine hug to take it all away for just a moment.

When you realize it’s a four day weekend.
When you wish everyone a Happy Thursday.