Who has been listening to Taylor Swift’s Lover album on repeat? There are a few songs I fell in love with instantly. One of them is this one. I heard it and it brought me back to my thousand cuts that I still feel. Many of those cuts have been healed but there are still a lot. I don’t know if they will every completely go away but one day at a time, right?

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it’s not enough
‘Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier still flickering here
‘Cause I can’t pretend it’s okay when it’s not
It’s death by a thousand cuts

I dress to kill my time
I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it’ll be alright
They say, “I don’t know”
And what once was ours
Is no one’s now
I see you everywhere

…

My heart, my hips, my body, my love
Tryna find a part of me that you didn’t touch
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug
…
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Tryna find a part of me you didn’t take up
Gave you too much, but it wasn’t enough

‘Cause I can still hear our laughter
And every word that came after
Lying there in the darkness
Thinking your heart was harmless
Now I’m here in this hotel room
Trying to wash the pain from my eyes

Did I imagine everything
Everything you said to me
I made believe you and I were meant to be
And then I saw you with somebody else
It pulled me backwards and put me through hell
And I realized you were never really mine

I don’t know what I did
You flipped a switch
Now it’s like you’re a different person
What did I miss
Cause I don’t know if I miss you
Or if I just wish you goodbye

I’ve made this Emmy’s Lullaby. When I first heard this song, I had found out SIL was pregnant and I dreamed that one day I’d play this to my little niece or nephew. Fast forward a few years later, she’s old enough to know that a guitar makes music. She’ll come into my room and strum the guitar and I’d pick it up and play Moana and Frozen soundtracks to her, but I’d always end with this song. She sits and sings along best she can and it’s the sweetest, purest love I’ve ever experienced. She’s too young to remember these moments, so I’ll remember them for her. But I also hope that moments like these never end.

Don’t be scared, I’m right here
I’ll whisper softly in your ear
That you’ll be just fine.
Winds will come and they will blow
They’ll try to shake you but I know
That you’ll be just fine.
Don’t cry, precious love of mine.
Don’t cry, I’m right by your side.

…

Hold my hand, I’ll keep you close
I’ll keep you safe and watch you grow
And you’ll be just fine.
You are strong, and you are kind
You’re perfect, I’ll always remind you
You’ll be just fine.
Don’t cry, precious love of mine.
Don’t cry, I’m right by your side.

…

I know the storms of life we face are hard at night
But when daylight breaks
You’ll be just fine

And I’ll be right here
Whenever you need me
Let your faith defeat your fears
Whenever you feel alone
Just know
That I’m right here

My voice is still wrecked from when I was coughing up my lung but I picked up the guitar and started playing through really old songs. This one brings me back to college with a friend who would knock on my door many times, day or night, with tears streaming down her face. The only thing she wanted was for me to play my guitar and sing to her. This was one of the songs she would repeatedly request.

Because of these interactions with her, I ended up writing something in her point of view. I later turned that into a forty-second piano ballad which is still hilarious to me because I don’t even know how to play the piano. It’s still one of my favourite, most powerful pieces ever.

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

…

So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

My mind is saying, “leave you”, but my heart says, “no”
You made your choice, but I can’t seem to let go
Thinking of your voice in a world so cold
I’m breaking down now, but I won’t let it show
And even if I’m crazy, doesn’t mean that I’m wrong
Wonder what you’re thinking as you listen to this song
I’ve been lost in my mind, but I’ma tell you I’m fine
But what’s the point of “The One” if you find them at the wrong time

…

Picking up the phone, then I’m putting it down
Like who am I to go ruin the happiness that you found?
I kept going to tell my friends that it was all so dumb
Then I’m writing in my room until my heart goes numb
Till my pens all done, you know my heart wants more

…

You left a hole in my chest that I don’t think I can fill
It’s like we met in a dream, but the feeling is real
And I can write a thousand lines, all the stars could align
What’s all the love in the world if you find it at the wrong time?