One Step Closer

Currently sitting my bed room with Rizzo soundly asleep beside me and having Ron Pope serenade me. His voice soothes me. I really want to go to his concert and I never care to go to anyone’s! So he’s obviously amazing. Check him out if you’ve never heard of him.

I never really understood how people can just talk about their problems with everyone let alone on the world wide web for all to see. I’m slowly logging back my handwritten ones on this blog so they’re all in one spot – password protected of course. I’m certain no one in my life reads this. Only a select handful even know about this blog now that I bounced around so many domains and found my favourite; but with all the stuff that’s been circling in my head, it’s getting harder and has started to affect my health again. I always turn to the blogging world to let go of all things that happen in life though not in detail. Just the surface. And to get lost in other’s lives. Then I say things like “I will blog more” but then never do when life gets to that happy state. But I’m back now, so it can only mean the opposite of that.

Vivid images in my head. They never leave. They stay there and as much as I don’t like living in the past simple things bring me back to that state of mind. A whiff of a smell. The actions of an individual or individuals. The environment. Every. Single. Thing. And I don’t think people understand that. They see it as being weak and living in the past. And all you want in life is to move on and forget. But you can’t.

And when I’m in that state, I get to that other state I was in before all of that. I dug myself out. All by myself. And I see myself falling back in it without even knowing until it’s too late. When the chills start,  when my heart beats in a speed of sound, when I start hypervenalating without reason, I know it’s gotten that way again. When my mind seems to be thinking so many things yet nothing is running though my mind. It’s as if being in that state shuts off all my feelings that make us human and shuts off every thought that makes us human.

Being able to even write this post is one step closer to hopefully a positive direction. I’ve been fighting this for years and every time I think it’s over, it sneaks back into my life. All I can do is move forward and try my best to move on again.

The worst thing that kills me is not being able to talk about it with the one person I usually would be able to if it really bothered me. The one person who knows about these two things, the situations I was in, the one I’ve ran to lately when I had troubles with my thoughts. The one that doesn’t judge me or if he did, not in front of my face. And I just really missed that. I miss him and though I know he’s going through his own things, all I can do is make sure I am not adding to it no matter how much I just want to hear his voice. I hope we both find the light soon.