Upon returning to Houston last night, I called an Uber. I’m still new to the whole going-to-places-by-myself thing and I accidentally sat in the front. It was too late to get out and move to the back because that would have been awkard. In doing so the driver and I bonded. We bonded so well that we ended up missing exits and turns.

No, don’t get your panties in a twist. This isn’t an epic love story in the making.

I couldn’t stop replaying the conversation from the ride all day long and I figured I might as well put “pen to paper” to get these thoughts out especially since some of my friends have brought to my attention that they thought everything was fine and dandy in my life until they talked to me on the phone or physically saw me. I try my best not to write any sadness in my blog as I want to only look back on the good but I guess sometimes, you just have to write.

He is a 46 year old (he looks 35) from Jersey and we started talking about relationships since that’s the reason he moved to Houston. He dated this girl for 12 years on-and-off but in the end, “she was a little crazy, immature, and inconsiderate because it was always about her”. They haven’t spoken since last May even though the girl would like to get back with him.

12 years … I gave my heart to Scruffy for over 5 years and in a relationship with him for over 2 1/2 years. The first step to recovery is admitting you’re not okay, right? Well then, I admit it; I’m not okay. I cannot imagine 12 years of loving someone and ending up heartbroken. It’s crazy how we give so much of ourselves to someone just to be broken in the end.

The driver did tell me, as well as others in my life, that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But at the moment the driver is not ready for another relationship and just overall, tired. I feel the same way in the sense that I don’t know how to give my heart to someone else, at least not anytime soon. It still belongs to him and probably will for quite a while.I’ve never cared for anyone as much as I did for him. I still do. He is my best friend, my first for so many things, teaching me how to see things differently.

When we were dating and even now, his words constantly pop in my head when anxiety sets in. They “fight” each other so much that it would physically hurt my head and my heart until I just cannot breathe. I know he’s right (sometimes) when I overreact and I know my anxieties are silly. I try so hard to overcome them but sometimes, they win. I wish he understood how hard I was trying but I feel defeated knowing I kept letting him down.

Before I left for the trip and during my trip, my anxiety kept creeping back up but his words kept running through my head with every encounter and it helped me through. Even though he’s not physically here, it’s comforting to know that in some way he still is.

At the end of the day I just want him to be happy and succeed in everything he ever dreamed of because that’s what real love is.

… No matter how much love was lost, and no matter how much distance there was. You lose each other to find each other again. That is what it is like when someone is meant for you; if they leave, they will return and stay forever.